Marriage and Happiness?

Every couple, as they approach their wedding day, dreams of a happily ever after. Yet, through the years of marriage, those dreams are often left unfulfilled. Marriage has the potential to be a tremendous blessing or a horrid curse. The book of Proverbs offers a realistic picture of both the promise and peril of marriage. For example, Proverbs 18:22 declares, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” Finding a spouse is an objectively good thing that displays the goodness of God.

But then Proverbs 21:9 and 19 chime in, “It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife…It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.” No one gets married thinking that one day they’d prefer living in the Sahara Desert than with that man or woman. Yet, approximately 40-50% of our marriages end in divorce. So much for that happily ever after.

People make decisions based on what they believe will make them most happy. This is how we approach relationships, especially romantic ones—in pursuit of happiness. A thousand pop songs preach the gospel of happiness and self-fulfillment, especially through romantic love.  Such reasoning is entirely understandable, but in the end, it isn’t working. Why does demanding happiness through relationships often backfire? Rob Green explains, “You expect your spouse to make you happy…I have noticed that the love we demand from others is not satisfying. It demands more and more.”[1]

Frustrated husbands and wives often manipulate their spouses in an attempt to get what they want—happiness. A feeling. Yet, this is never satisfying because it came through manipulation. Behind all of this is a subtle, but deadly redefinition of marriage and of love. If we define love as what makes “me” happy, love becomes mere selfishness. When love is distorted to mere selfishness, we become miserable.

 In this way, love is reduced from the biblical ideal of the sacrificial giving of oneself to a pursuit of me. Love, with personal happiness as the center and goal, becomes utterly selfish. Green chimes in again, “[such love] may demonstrate not how much you love the other person, but how much you love yourself! What you have found is a person who helps you love you better than anyone else. That is a sobering and scary thought.”[2] Our day has turned self-love into the highest good. We have become petty, narcissistic people and this is driving our loneliness and misery. Conversely, the Bible assumes you already love yourself more than enough and that what you need is to learn to love others more (Matt. 22:39).

 When we make marriage and love primarily about personal happiness, then we begin to treat our spouse as a product to be consumed. Once that product stops working, we feel justified to discard it and find a new, better product. Welcome to the wasteland that is marriage in our society.

 Happiness isn’t the problem, it’s our seeking of it as the ultimate good. But, if personal happiness is not at the heart of marriage, then what role does it have in marriage?

 Does Marriage Have Nothing to Do with Happiness?

The church often responds to the sins of the world with overcorrection. Ours is a day where people worship “romantic love” as described above. In the end, what they’re really worshipping is themselves. Good-meaning Christians, then warn others about idolizing marriage. It can feel holy to downplay marriage’s importance. Even in the church, marriage is often treated like either a burden or something that distracts us from what is really important.

To be fair, some people do idolize marriage. But the Bible clearly teaches that marriage is woven into the fabric of God’s creational design and is meant for man’s good (Gen. 1:26-28; 2:23-25). It is objectively “not good” for man to be alone (Gen. 2:18). While the warnings in Proverbs about preferring the desert to a terrible marriage are true, we cannot forget that marriage remains a blessing from God that can bring great happiness.

 In the Bible, there is a strong link between marriage and happiness (or, joy). Consider a few passages from Solomon:

 Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.- Proverbs 5:18-19

 Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that he has given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun.- Ecclesiastes 9:9

God instructs us to enjoy and rejoice in our spouses, even sexually. We are to find joy and happiness in the one-flesh union. Why? Because sex is a gift of God meant to be enjoyed (1 Tim. 4:1-5). Treating God’s gift as a burden is not holy. In Ecclesiastes, as Solomon wrestles with the vanity and frustration of life in a cursed world, he reminds us that God gives marriage to lessen this vanity. Holiness looks like enjoying your marriage as a gift from God (Eccl. 3:12-13). Marriage is designed to bring a measure of happiness amid the ups and downs of life. This is God’s good design.

While in some Christian circles, it feels holy to treat marriage as icky or as a distraction, such an attitude turns its nose up at God’s design and provision. He created marriage and sex to be delighted in. Marriage brings joy and happiness, it is our sin that ruins it.

The Key to Happiness in Marriage

The Bible’s view of marriage is realistic—it can be a tremendous blessing or one of the worst curses in life. Many a study demonstrate, contrary to the dogmas of the sexual revolution, that married people and sexually conservative people are happier and more satisfied. It turns out, that when you make life about yourself and your happiness, you actually become more miserable. It’s almost like we are called to lose our lives to find them (Matt. 10:39).

What makes the difference between a marriage that is a source of great happiness versus one where you’d rather live in the desert? The answer may surprise you—don’t make your marriage about your personal happiness! The more we seek self-satisfaction the more elusive those things become. Man can never satisfy himself with himself. We are simply far too small to meet our own needs. As Augustine famously wrote, “You have made us for yourself, O Lord. and our hearts are restless until they rest in you.”

Practically, this means your main goal in your marriage is not to be happy but to be faithful. Do not treat your spouse as your source of meaning, purpose, and happiness. Instead, receive them as a good gift from God. It is faithfulness that produces a lasting joy, even in the midst of trials. The correct answer is not to downplay the blessing of marriage, or to idolize it, but to receive marriage as a gift from God.

We are called to experience God’s goodness through marriage. Ultimately, marriage is not about us. The wonder and joys of marriage point to a greater reality—the gospel of Christ Jesus (Eph. 5:22-33). Is it any wonder that marriage has such potential for joy, and why it is often perverted by the enemy? Christians must proclaim the goodness of marriage by receiving it as a gift from God, not the source of gain, happiness, or meaning in life. Therefore, taste and see that the Lord is good through his gift of marriage.

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[1] Tying the Knot, 15.

[2] Tying the Knot, 27.